Ideas on love in the context of the "and" and the "or"

Interesting piece today by Jonathan Franzen in the Times.  If, like most politicians, you are consumed by a desire to be liked, rather than be loved, you change your behavior in an attempt to meet the expectations of those you wish to be liked by. (dangling part?) Since you are not true to your core self, you lose any sense of self, or your "orness".  And in your attempts, usually successful, to manipulate the feelings of those you wish to be liked by, you develop contempt for them.  This behavior, paradoxically, leads to a diminution of both the "and" (your bond with others) and the "or".  If, on the other hand, you become involved in a loving relationship, all of you, both the good and the bad, is on display.  Your sense of self, the "or", is strengthened, as is the "and", as you view the loved one as more than one who can be manipulated.  You love the whole person, every inch of him or her.  Both the "or" and the "and" are actualized.  Not that I would know anything about that.